Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Pass The Beano

My boyfriend and I attempted a new way of eating (not a diet) several months ago. It’s Tim Ferriss’s, The 4-Hour Body. It was a lifestyle experiment. In an almond nut shell, you are not allowed to eat whites or sugars; rice, potatoes, bread, pasta, sugar, fruit, honey, agave, and fruit juices.

What does that leave you? Not much. However, for someone like me, who is not a foodie, and who doesn’t like to make eating an event, this is the perfect ‘way of eating’. It’s repetitive, takes all the guesswork out of what to eat and it includes all of my favorite foods.

You’re allowed eggs and on occasion, cottage cheese. Perfect! We could have any and all vegetables (in any amount) especially spinach. But the main food item is beans. Beans, beans and then more beans. Beans are recommended with at least two of your four daily meals. I’ve since bought stock in Beano and Gas-X.

Allow me now to digress. The following was previously published several years ago and I include it here, not only to go along with the Beano theme, but as a wonderful illustration of my ability to turn most things into a performance. Enjoy.
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The owner of the Pilates studio, Janice, asked me to train a friend of hers. I was flattered that she thought of me. When I saw her in the studio, I said, “Hey, thanks for the referral. I’m training Scott tomorrow. He had to change his original session time because of an audition.”

Yes, I emphasized the word audition, and added some sarcasm for good measure because he had said it in such a way that I was supposed to be impressed. Please. I felt like stepping out of my Pilates instructor mode and put some of my well stretched toes onto the ‘stage’.

Janice smiled, “Well, he’s a very successful commercial actor.” Uh, oh. It’s on.
ME: "I did commercials.” Janice took the bait.
JANICE: “You did? You would be great in commercials.”
ME: “If I had a dollar every time someone told me that." Of course it was actually only one real commercial that I did, but why bother her with the details. I continued. "I did the commercial thing for a while. And then the auditions got more and more inane. I’d go in and have to frown in front of the camera, or sneeze or crawl on the floor like a mouse looking for cheese. Then my dignity kicked in and I stopped.”

Janice was laughing and hanging on my every animated word, which was like shoving a coke whore’s face into a mound of white powder. It made me want to work harder and longer to sustain the high. “One of my last auditions was for Beano. I was so over it by then and I didn’t care anymore so I had some fun.”

The Pilates studio was instantly transformed into a comedy club and I grabbed the microphone out of its cradle.

“I stood with another woman, pretending to be in line at a cafeteria, walking past the imaginary food, deciding what we were going to have for our pretend lunch. The director yelled action. I took two steps and then I made a fake fart sound.” I demonstrated the fart sound for my audience. "It wasn’t the cliched, and childish, raspberry or cheek fart sound. My fake flatulence was more sophisticated and deeper, almost baritone sounding, and much more realistic. My audition partner didn’t know what hit her. I completely stole focus and chewed up the scenery. If memory serves me, the director did laugh. I don’t know how it was possible but I didn’t get the job.”

I thought Janice was going to fall off of the Cadillac (Pilates equipment) that she was sitting on. I brought the story home. “What? It was for Beano. It was totally appropriate.”

I’m not proud, but my adorable tale promptly started a five minute conversation, with the other trainers, about why people think farting sounds are funny and the farting games that are available online. I put my microphone back in it’s pretend cradle (I just wanted to do a quick 5 minute set) extricated myself from the high brow confab that I had spawned and slithered away. My job here is done.

7 comments:

Debbie said...

OK. I once did an entire post on farts. If you could see them, what color would they be? Denoting the degree of foulness? Tips on farting and then blaming it on someone else. Now ... I fart ALL THE TIME. Midlife farting. At first it was embarrassing and horrible, but I don't care anymore. I can let one rip for a full 10 seconds and make it sing. Swear. My husband finds this particularly disgusting which is ironic because ... well, you know men. They'll walk around the entire house naked and fart all the time with NO SHAME.

XOXO
Deb

Kathy Radigan said...

Thank you for making me laugh at 1 in the morning!! You always pull me right into your world, which is always a fun place to go!! Love ya!! Very funny piece!

thegirlfriendmom said...

Debbie, You are out of control!

thegirlfriendmom said...

Kathy,
Thank you as always for your sweet comments. xox

alphawoman said...

We have these fart toys (I kid you not!) at Cracker Barrel. Everyone laughs their ass off over the fart sounds! What's up with that. I did a fart post once, when an errant fart escaped when I bent over in a small office with three handsome co-workers. I was so mortified and what was worse, no one laughed or made any indication they heard it! That was even worse!! ha ha.

Pilates Equipment said...

nice story debbie... where's your post?

pr checker said...

i'm curious too about your article debbie. please share a link. :)